Silence

I sit here alone in the dark, quietness surrounds me. It is in these moments when I am transformed back to who I use to be – the patient, quiet, peaceful woman who feels complete within herself.

There is no noise to drown out my complete thoughts, no rushing to and from different places, and no worries about whether or not I’ve done everything I needed to do and no craziness to make me feel unbalanced. Instead, there is silence, and a stillness that creeps into my soul and forces my eyes shut in order to be in the moment because I know it will not last long.

Instinctively, I sigh. I let out all the negatives and cleanse myself of everything that may have gone wrong that day. And for one small moment, I feel good enough just as I am.

There is no pressure to look beautiful, no worries that I may be late for an appointment, no fear of being criticized by anyone but myself, and no one yelling my name in need of something from me. It is me, the quiet, the stillness, and the peace.

Somedays, it’s comforting to be alone in the silence.

-TK

Rant Of The Day 1

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It was a great day for me today. My son did very well at power skating, I ran into one of my best friends from university whom I haven’t seen in many years, and Hubster and I had an afternoon to ourselves as our son was at a friends place. It was a relaxing, wonderful Sunday. I smiled all day long. 

And then tonight happened. 

There are a lot of things worth my time. Tonight, I didn’t even bother attending the confrontations I was invited to because, frankly, I don’t care. For someone to pick at petty things in my life is a form of disrespect and combativeness that I don’t need to be a part of. If someone wants to try to control my feelings that obsessively, I have one suggestion – don’t bother because you’re just going to end up being disappointed in me. 

Hence, my rant of the day. 

I understand that sometimes people feel the need to be sarcastic and antagonistic in a playful way, but what they need to understand is that there is a time and place.

During a proud moment in my life, when I’m feeling at the top of my game is not the best time. Save it for when it’s called for. Today was not that day. Here’s another suggestion – keep it to yourself. When these people are argumentative, controlling, sarcastic, rude, petty, and trying to bring others down to their ridiculous level, I have a problem with it.

Why aren’t we allowed to be proud, have a good day, or enjoy being who we are?? Because you felt the need to knock us down a level or two? Well, then, I have three words for you – GET OVER YOURSELF.

I’m not a naturally mean-spirited person. I don’t lie, steal, spit venom, or try to ruin someone else’s day just for the hell of it. Why would I do that?? To feel better about myself? I already like who I am and I’m proud of being my naturally smiley and optimistic self. I don’t want to hurt others and I’d never purposely set my mind on it by trying to control their actions/thoughts/words. They’re entitled to be who they want to be as much as I am.

Maybe I’m being overly-sensitive but I’m so tired of other people picking apart the stupid, petty things in life that don’t mean anything. It’s all about priorities people. 

My spelling mistakes. I’m a writer, I know how to write. And if I make a typo, it’s probably not because I can’t write properly – I have a book published which tells me that I have a good idea about grammar, syntax, and lexicon. If I do happen to make a spelling error, it’s probably by accident. For someone to point it out to me is fruitless because chances are good that I’ve already noticed it and I’ve left it just to piss people off or because it’s just not on my list of priorities. If anyone should be pointing out spelling mistakes, it should be me – but why the hell would I bother?? Is it really worth my time? Um, no.

And for those who criticize me about my parenting – for being too soft on my son bc I don’t spank him and for those who say I’m too harsh on the kid for making him do a sink full of plastic dishes bc he’s part of the family instead of doing it for money – this rant is for you also. I may not be a perfect mom (hell, who is?!), but I love my kid more than anything, and for one day I was allowed to feel the effects of him calling me “SuperMom,” so let me just enjoy it because, let’s face it, those words are few and far between in most households, mine included.

I’d call them trolls but aren’t trolls intimidated by other ppl? Not these sarcastic anger-spewing people – they’re keyboard cowboys who hide behind the letters L-O-L. Everything seems to be a joke to them, which I’m convinced is actually the scapegoat through which they expect me to accept their negative connotations.

But it’s the superiority complex that bothers me the most – the arrogant, self-serving, judgmental attitudes of people who need to point out other’s mistakes in order to make themselves feel “better” than everyone else. It’s true what they say – what you say and do says less about me and more about you. Start thinking of others and less about yourself because the world is full of enough negativity already. Keep the negative garbage away from me. 

Don’t get me wrong, I have my terrible moments just like everyone else, but I surely don’t direct them at people just for the sake of hurting them or making them feel inferior. I hate giving my opinion on most things unless I’m directly asked. Instead, I focus that rotten energy on something productive – my writing, jogging, or yoga. I find a way to turn a negative into a positive. And if that doesn’t seem to be working, I talk to my best friend and vent to him for a while – I get it off my chest to the one person in my life who actually cares because I know that no else will. 

So, for those of you who may have attempted to ruin my perfectly great days – past or present – let me give you some advice for the next time you want to confront me in a negative, controlling, sarcastic, combative way…just don’t.

Instead of being antagonistic towards other people who have something good to say (including myself), try being a little more positive and accepting. I can guarantee one thing – your negativity will only be tolerated for so long and then I won’t put up with it anymore and you’ll be thrown out like last weeks newspaper. 

I guess what I’m trying to say through all the ups and downs of my day is that we all need to just keep our thoughts to ourselves sometimes and BE NICE. 

-TK

Back To Life

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School days are here again! Woohoo!!

As you can probably guess, I’m not the type of mother to cry at the bus stop as my son is whisked off to school with a gaggle of others, nor am I the type to sit for long periods of time and do nothing. No, I’m the mom who’s pumping my music at 9am when my son is gone and dancing in my office because I finally have time to get stuff done.

Today I finally got my schedule back and I worked my butt off on my newest novel (which should be done soon, by the way) and it felt good to have time to myself. I feel productive again. I feel accomplished and free. These are the days when I truly appreciate the value of teachers and feel that they are severely underpaid.

An added bonus is that my son is happy to be back with his friends everyday and both of our lives seem complete. Power skating started this week as well and hockey season will be here before we know it. No more over-scheduling and double/triple-booking our days. This year, we’re doing things right with the perfect mix of things to do. Maybe this year we’ll be able to enjoy time together instead of always feeling rushed, harried, and obligated.

Life as we know it is finally back to normal after a long summer break.

*enter sigh of relief here*

-TK

Last Summer Vacation

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What an amazing way to end a great summer!

What began as a rushed and harried July ended with a relaxed and heart-felt August. I’m pretty impressed with the way this summer has turned out.

In July, the boys and I rushed to get summer started – town fair, sleepovers, family visits, and our trip to Philadelphia consumed the first three weeks. But then it all seemed to slow down as we prepared for the one trip that I was looking forward to the most.

We hit the highway early and headed to Manitoba in hopes of spending time with family before the festivities began.

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It was a relatively short 6 hour drive considering how excited we all were to see everyone again. It was the first time the entire family has been together for many years. As soon as we pulled into the hotel parking lot, the clouds threatened rain but there was no way they could damper our mood.

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We got settled into the hotel room and the party had begun. Luckily, the “party room” wasn’t in our room this year and I had a safe place to retire when I needed some down-time.

Family dinner, a few drinks, and a lot of chatter ended the night early as we prepared for the wedding the following day.

The next afternoon, we made our way to the church, where almost the entire clan hovered around the front entrance. Smiles were abundant, love lit us up like Christmas trees, and everyone seemed so happy to be back together after almost three years apart.

Lil Man had a fabulous time with his new “friends” – little did he realize that we are all one big happy family! With glow-sticks galore, the kids were kept busy and all of them seemed to be on their best behavior. There were so many kids and so many smiling faces that it was hard not to be affected.

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The kids have grown and changed so much that it’s like piecing together a puzzle every time we visit. I’m always so grateful to be part of this generation of the family.

Near the end of the night, it was time to disperse and it was a quiet ride back to the hotel. Everyone was tired but satisfied with the way the day had played out. The bride was beautiful, the dinner was delicious, and everyone wore their biggest smiles.

It was a tough morning for some due to a self-inflicted late night, but everyone was safely back at the hotel and we all spent more time together before some had to leave. There were lots of hugs and plenty of promises to get together again.

It’s always hard for me to leave the family in Manitoba because I always feel so welcomed and loved when we’re there. I miss them dearly when we are all consumed with daily lives. More than once, I’ve considered the idea of moving there, but, as the Hubster and I concluded, there aren’t many job opportunities for him in that area. The only thing that keeps me optimistic is knowing that we’ll all be together again soon.

I love this family with all my heart and with every breath I take. I have never felt as accepted and appreciated as I do when I’m with them. Maybe I should consider making this an annual event…hmmm…

For now, onward and upward. As we drove into the city, that beautiful sign welcomed me back to my real home.

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And now the organization/scheduling/planning truly begins as I prepare for the start of school, power skating, and hockey season. Between Hubster’s coaching, Lil Man’s playing, and my writing, hockey is about to consume our lives for another season.

Let the games begin!

-TK

Robin Williams – A Legend

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Every once in a while, people come into our lives and change them for the better. One such person was Robin Williams.

Not only did I grow up laughing and saying “Nanu Nanu” while watching Mork and Mindy, but he also made me believe in the power of words and free-thinking with his portrayal of John Keating in the movie Dead Poets Society. And again in Good Will Hunting, he helped me to realize the power of experience as he played Dr. Sean McGuire, mentor and therapist to Will, the title character.

Even though I was never lucky enough to meet the man, through his personalization of many characters that he played, these characters came alive in my mind and weaved together moral fibers that helped me through my journey in life. My thoughts and prayers go out to his family, friends, and everyone who, like me, feels that we lost a legend.

Thank you, Robin Williams. For the laughter, the joys, and for helping those of us who maybe didn’t believe in ourselves sometimes. You will never be forgotten.

O Captain my Captain!

-TK

Monday Morning Walk

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What a great way to start the week!

While our wonderful cleaning lady was busy in the house this morning, I decided to take Lil Man on a nature hike. Before leaving, we made a list of interesting things to find and turned it into a scavenger hunt of sorts. It’s amazing what you can see when you actually look very closely at the world around you.

My son has the worst fear of bugs that I’ve ever seen and I’ve been trying my hardest to help him face his fears without pushing him too hard. A nature walk was the perfect excuse to get out of the house and help my son find peace among the creepy-crawlies. We talked about the bugs and everything else that crossed our paths while the sun beat down on our backs. Discovery – that’s what it’s all about.

The first thing he noticed were grasshoppers. Yes, grasshoppers – he hates the unpredictability of their jumping paths. At first, he cowered behind me, but, as we walked, he seemed to summon enough courage to walk by himself.

And then there were ants. He avoided every ant hill in our path, but, as he focused on the scavenger hunt, his fear subsided.

Before I knew it, he was begging me to take his picture along the creek and would position himself in the tallest of grass so he could show his dad how proud he was to be on a nature walk.

We were greeted by cyclists and fellow walkers in the early morning sunshine and my son said “good morning” to everyone. And, each time, he received a smile and a “hello” in return.

We watched as nature unfolded before us in all its glory. And Lil Man was amazed by it all. It’s not often we get to spend a quiet morning together at my favourite place in the small town. At one point, as we looked out over the glassy creek, my son turned to me and said, “mom, if you have a fear of water, why do you like being near it so much?” To which I replied, “I like it because I’m learning about it, which is helping me to get over my fear. It’s the same reason why I go swimming with you – I’m facing my fears so I don’t have to be scared any more.” He thought for a moment, nodded his head, and then we carried on along the pathway.

I don’t know if he fully understood my perspective, but he accepted it for what it was. I was very grateful that he was learning to appreciate nature as much as I did.

We wandered a bit further along the creek and found everything on our scavenger list, and then began the slow walk home.

We heard an approaching train and we stopped in silence to watch it pass by from one block away. There were no complaints, just quiet acceptance as we each took a sip from our water bottles before heading for home.

I hope we can do it all again tomorrow.

-TK

Saying “I Love You”

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Thought of the day…
Do you say “I love you” because you mean it or because it’s habit?

I noticed this online the other day and it got me thinking about those people who have told me they love me for the wrong reasons. Maybe this is off-topic, but, in reminiscence, my past has healed my future.

With the deterioration of my first marriage, I was in a bad spot in my life. Little did I realize that it would lead to such an amazing future, but I digress. As I went through one of the hardest situations anyone can go through, I heard the words “I love you” a lot, from his family and my own. But one thing became became clear during that time – not everyone says those words and means them.

I was a very trusting person back then and I assumed that people always meant what they said. Sadly, I learned the hard way who truly stood behind me and who didn’t. It was through their actions – not their words – that I realized who really loved me and who was only trying to put a band-aid on a toxic situation.

I had always been taught never to lie and never to say something that I didn’t mean. My “I-love-yous” are saved for only the most special people in my life. To hand them out like candy is selling other people short if I don’t have the actions to back up all my words.

My mother always taught me to think before I speak and it was one of the most important lessons in my life.

Thanks Mom – I love you!

-TK